There are plenty of moments from my past that will keep me awake at night, flipping from one side of the pillow to the other with each cringey recollection. There are also many moments of joy that I took for granted. In every moment, however, good or bad, I am always a slightly different version of myself. Changing circumstances and an evolving world view alter perspectives, values, and goals. Sometimes, these evolutions occur abruptly through a staggering life event or over an extended period of time due to simply growing older and accumulating life experiences. Whatever the cause and abruptness of evolution, it is constant and seemingly often outside our scope of awareness. Presently, as another birthday comes and goes, beyond being thankful to have another year to mark and possessing the relative good health of an elder Millennial whose knees abhor squatting and who reflexively grunts when bending over, I found myself contemplative of where life had taken me and how I now viewed the myriad events of my past.
Through much of my youth and well into pre-midlife adult years, ambition ruled. I yearned to carve out something I could proudly showcase through my skills or accomplishments to set me apart from others. Transitioning into the corporate world, this meant I wanted to be the best and be the boss. That may come across as snooty and righteous, and yeah, I will admit if I was someone else hearing that I probably would not be friends with myself. My driving force, however, was to prove that I could be good at the things that seemed to come so easily for others or possess some semblance of the skills they took for granted. I was not trying to steamroll my way to the top with all others be damned; I simply wanted to show (maybe for myself more than anyone) that the work and effort I invested into something could elevate me to a level where I was the “go-to” or the person others were glad to have on their team. I cannot explain the foundational makeup of this motivation, but at some level, I figured if I was going to really engage with something, I may as well be as good as I could be at it. Unfortunately, one of those lessons life always finds a way of teaching (I hope, at least, I am not the only one receiving such tutelage) is that expectation seldom equals outcome.
My entrance into the corporate world was more a product of desperation than choice. The first big bet on myself right out of school crashed and burned in spectacular fashion. That failure required a rapid pivot toward a different career path, which then necessitated new schooling followed by a multi-year wait to land a job of any worth during the late 2000’s recession. Thankfully, when I did finally land somewhere, the company looked to be a perfect fit for what I valued. At the time, I valued, above all, a good paycheck. Student loans, the debts of a failed marriage, and the bills of life all loomed over me like devilish figures waiting to pluck away any happiness I may encounter. Now, financial stability forthcoming, my old motivation to achieve reappeared and pushed me to gobble up any opportunities that may help me advance up the corporate ranks. And yes, this led to multiple promotions, but I still felt driven to advance, knowing there was more meat on the bone. The road before me that led to goal attainment appeared open; I needed only follow it.
It was here that I was humbly reminded that life is, ultimately, only variables, and it does not yield a linear path. As I traveled the road, there was a shift in my world. The organizational culture around me, so haughtily touted as one of one, deteriorated. Opportunities, once bountiful and necessary to keep my role interesting and challenging, became rarer. As a leader in my department, I no longer enjoyed the necessary autonomy to help enrich the culture and support the development of my team members and their work. Yet, I remained determined to do all I could to be a positive factor to those around me and continue advancing my career.
Alas, what good are plans other than a vehicle to provide some direction? Once you start moving, any plans become outdated. I lost out on one promotion, then another. Then, I sat with my bosses and listened to them coach me to look deep and figure out where I wanted to go within the company. This is not unreasonable advisement, but, mind you, this comes from the same people I just interviewed with for two senior leadership roles. If my pursuit of those promotions does not indicate where I want to go, I am at a loss to know what would. After those asinine conversations, I quickly decided, perhaps hastily, that my road with that organization was at an end, but I determined this was yet another doorway to opportunity. I needed to make another bet on myself that I could and would find something better.
Some time has passed since I acted upon the decision to leave. Given where things have gone with that organization from a leadership perspective and general gutting of everything I cherished there, I ultimately feel I made the correct choice. The bet on myself, however, has yet to cash in. Despite that, my perspective on what is important in life underwent its most massive evolution with the arrival of a beautiful baby girl. I have plenty to say on parenthood, but her arrival caused sweeping changes to my ambitions and how I view incremental successes (including simply acknowledging their existence).
The biggest change is the dampening of ambition. I still want to achieve and be successful, and there is still a sting of missed opportunity when I see former co-workers get the promotions I coveted. The achievement and success I now desire, however, is not the same. Ultimately, I want my daughter to be proud of me as she gets older and understands life’s challenges and complexities, and any successes I have, I want them to come because of something I did, not because one or two other people arbitrarily deemed me worthy of a new title. That is a lot of power over my well-being and future in someone else’s hands, and I have yet to work for anyone competent enough to be worthy of it (such is one of the biggest flaws with corporate culture). It is far simpler to find happiness in the day-to-day and look forward to being able to find happiness in the days to come. I find great happiness in my daughter’s smile and discovery of the world. There are small victories in bringing smiles to my step-sons’ faces. I find more happiness in having a wife that supports me finding the next road to travel and in our experiencing this journey together. There is happiness to be had in being able to talk to my parents and my siblings and watching them traverse life. And while I get another year older, I am happy to have my health despite all the creaks, cracks, and gurgles. Despite knowing this happiness exists and is there before me, I still need to remind myself to look forward to it and embrace it. The drive to be more will likely never go away, but right now, I can be content with existing and keeping up the pursuit of what comes next.
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